Change and Panic Attacks

Hey guys!

So, recently I have been feeling down. And I think it’s because of change (I’m not good with change, btw).

My mom just got married a few months ago, and my step-dad is starting to fully move in now (he was here most of the time, but still owned his old house).

A while ago, he brought over a new kitchen table (which absolutely doesn’t go with the colors in the kitchen at all) and threw out our old one. He said that now we won’t have to deal with it wobbling around (one of the legs wasn’t long enough on the old one, so we put a book under it).

But I don’t think that that was the only reason.

My dad had redone the kitchen about 10 years ago and he had made that table (the one we threw out). I think that we got rid of it because my dad made it and my step-dad wants to be “more in charge” or something like that.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t like to move things around because they are too sentimental and they would miss the way things used to be.

During Sunday School (I’m jewish btw) a while ago, I was thinking about change. I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball in some corner and just cry my eyes dry.

This 1st grader was sitting next to me and she kept grabbing my arm and playing with it. I didn’t mind until she wrapped her jacket around my head. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The girl sitting next to the 1st grader grabbed her off of me, and I thanked her and I felt a lot better. Then she kept trying to give us “group hugs” and pulling our down and I felt like I couldn’t breathe again.

Something like this happened to me quite a while ago. I was being “tested” to what lane I would be put in for a new swim team. I got into the pool, and immediately, I felt like I was robbed of air, the pool was so cold. I started to breathe short, hard breaths.

The instructor told us to swim to the other end freestyle. I started to take deep breathes to calm myself down, but it didn’t help.

One girl went, and then it was my turn. I went underwater to push off, and I could do about three strokes until  couldn’t breathe again.

I started to breathe every two strokes instead of three which is what I normally do. But it didn’t help much. I popped up and lied that I swallowed water and started coughing. I continued on to try to swim again, but I just couldn’t.

The instructor then told us to swim breaststroke to the other end, and I was fine with that.

The same goes for butterfly and backstroke.

I got out of the pool and I went up to my mom who was sitting in one of the lounge chairs. I was shaking my head “No.” and trying to hold back tears of frustration. She then asked me what happened and I replied with an “I don’t know, I couldn’t breathe.”

We talked to the instructor for a bit and she told us what lane she would recommend to the head coach. I was in Gold.

On the way home, I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore. I started bawling as soon as we got into the car. And I couldn’t stop until we parked to go out to eat with some family. My mom and I waited in the car for about 10 minutes for me to calm down, but it was really hard.

My mom said that this happened sometimes and there is nothing you can do about it. She told me to stop thinking what happened because sometimes, we just don’t know until later, or we may never know.

A few days later, I figured out that it might have been a panic attack.

This was the first time this has happened to me. Well, at least that really stood out in my mind.

It makes me think about ‘Girl Online’ by Zoe Sugg, where Penny was in a car crash and she gets panic attacks and anxiety whenever she feels that she can’t escape to peacefulness.

I don’t know if this is just some weird thing that happened to me and it won’t happen again or it will give me more panic attacks.

In the comments, feel free to leave your stories about change and panic attacks.

Girl lost, Girl found xxx

P.S. Music usually helps me calm down whenever I’m angry or sad or frustrated or whatever. I don’t know why though. I might do another post more about this in the future, so make sure to leave a comment if you want me to talk about this more.

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